Life

The days seem to be getting harder and harder for me to walk and be the person I used to be.  It's not just the joints, my knees, my ankles and elbows but my drive to win seems to be failing me.   The desire to win at all costs is fading from my bones.   It has been the fire that made up for all my short comings in life.  Not the smartest but the darn hardest working soul was my claim to fame.   Money never really mattered to me, make it spend it and live in the moment was my creed.  Now as I reach the age of old personhood I find myself filled with regret.  It's not a feeling I find to pleasing to me, nor does it make me a fun person to be around.   The rants of my youth have given way to a loathing of all things TJ.  All things that I used to enjoy now bring no joy.  It's scary to feel a part of you leave, like watching a movie when you already know the ending.  Happiness was never truly in my grasp nor do I believe it ever will be in my hands, destiny it would seem is where I find myself today.    Just the way I always knew it end.  

It's not for a lack of trying.  Some people have the power to over come their predetermined plans.  The world would not have all it has with out people who have done it.  I too had dreams of breaking out of my predetermined destiny.  I of course chose the hardest path not because of faith but more so because of a deep seeded death wish.  

I guess there is nothing that can kill me, not a single thing on this earth.   I believe that is gods plan for me to suffer.  Suffer I will because there is no other way forward.   The day will come when my body final gives out and the engine that powers me fails.  

My work has always been a true source of happiness to me but at this time I'm finding it harder every day to reach the level of joy I used to have.  I don't know if it's the miami area or just me.  I thank the lord for my doggie Syra, my only source of joy right now.  No matter how bad my day is she always is there for me, licking me, cuddling with me or jumping on me, thus letting me know she loves her daddy.

Yet another with out another to share life with.   Another day alone